Reflections

Sunday 9^th October 2011 was probably the hardest day of my life. It feels like yesterday.

Church in the morning, playing games with my Eden Fitton Hill family, Tim Royales’ Cheese and Onion pie, my Dad, brothers and sister-in-law arriving having driven all the way to be with us (my Mum having flown up the previous day!), chaos at Stef and Paul’s where I’d been living the past few months while we all got ready to leave, last-minute packing, leaving the cheddar cheese I’d bought to give to Meg behind in the fridge, saying goodbye to some people on the phone who didn’t make it at the last minute, crying a lot, the relief when my bags checked in fine even though they were over-weight, awkward coffee at the airport when no one knew what to do or say, fruit polos as a last minute treat from my family, surviving saying goodbye to most people, losing it when I said goodbye to Jamie, then my Mum, then having to walk through the gates at the airport in floods of tears, coming back down to earth when they took my “dangerous” umbrella off me, then crying for what seemed like forever in a toilet cubicle by myself.

I actually cried during the entire flight. Silent tears mostly. Those who know me well know I rarely used to cry. But I felt like I was leaving my safety net, my community, my family, those that understood me, those who knew me and those who I had transitioned from teenager to adult around.

And I remember that first evening in Kigali as I was sat on my bed I realised I hadn’t begun to think yet about what was next? Why did I get on a plane and go thousands of miles to somewhere I didn’t know the culture, didn’t speak the language, didn’t know anybody at all? And I felt like I had no answers and I was totally under prepared. However, I decided that the only way to find out was to leave the past where it was, and press on towards something new with what little I had to offer.

How I did that looked very different to how it did in Fitton Hill. Who I am now is totally different to who I was then. Who God is to me is very different to who He was then. How I view the world is totally different to then. My future looks very different to how I imagined then.

I didn’t have many expectations before coming to Rwanda, because I was so focused on creating memories where I was. This means at first I wasn’t disappointed. But, as time has gone on I think that’s maybe changed.

Have I done what I set out to do here? No. Have I experienced community here in the same way as Fitton Hill? No. Have I enjoyed church life and felt supported in my faith? No. Have I been lonely, frustrated, angry, confused? Yes. Do I need a break? Yes.

But, have I learnt more and more about myself, my relationship with others and my relationship with God? Have I discovered I can spend time alone, I can be reflective, I can re-charge my batteries in different ways? Have I discovered you can love and place with all your heart yet want to be somewhere else at the same time? Have I learnt more and more that when I am frustrated or angry, with a person, a situation or a culture, that it’s myself that needs to change first? Do I still need a break? Absolutely.

So, as I prepare to come to the UK I do have expectations. And I know there will be disappointments. Things have changed, people have changed, lives have changed. I have changed.

I look forward to seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting and feeling some different things, some old things, some new things. I look forward especially to sharing those things with the person who is the best thing that has happened to me, in life as well as in Byumba. And I look forward to coming home to Byumba at the end of it all; knowing above all, that for now, this is where I belong.